When I heard about Aaron Rodgers’ plan to voluntarily go into solitary confinement for four days to figure out his future, I thought he was crazy. I mean, who does this? What kind of screwed up, delusional, narcissistic, ayahuasca-gobbling asshole does this? Has he not seen a prison movie? The only thing he’s going to want after a week in the hole is food, water, sunlight, and an appearance on the Pat McAfee Show.
So I thought I’d offer up some concrete ideas that will actually lead to a resolution and end Rodgers’ obnoxious quest for a new organization (and attention).
No, I’m not talking about rock, paper, scissors. I’m referring to the unofficial term for “I hit you in the nuts, you lose, I win.” Hit Rodgers in the dick first, and I guarantee he gives you an answer within 30 seconds, or at least until that pain moves up to his abdomen.
The first group to pin Rodgers wins, but you have to go through Pat McAfee and A.J. Hawk to do it. I don’t know who’s winning between the Black Hole and Tony, Tommie, Paulie, and Sonny from New Brunswick, but I imagine it’ll play out like the news team brawl in Anchorman.
If we’ve learned anything about montages, it’s that they expedite the process, and holy fucking shit this cannot be over soon enough.
If you’ve ever been around cokeheads at 4 in the morning, they always have the best ideas for businesses, inventions, investments, life, etc. Give A-Rodg a couple eight-balls and a bottle of Kessler, and he’ll have an answer for you in 17 hours.
It sounds like Rodgers just really needs direction in his life. I’m sure his therapist is telling him this darkness retreat is either a cry for help, or a deflecting mechanism. The drawback is he doesn’t seem to like coaches in general, so I don’t know if he’ll listen. (He should enlist the services of a mental health professional though.)
Did that ever get made? I know it was an Office Space joke, but I’ve been feeling a lot like Tom Smykowski lately, and, like Rodgers, I’m open to ideas. Just remember: We’re all one horrible car accident away from early retirement.
The Messiah complex is so strong with Rodgers, I imagine simply talking to himself in the mirror would suffice. I know it’s not the same as turning water into wine, but there’s something miraculous about Aaron’s ability to turn words into noxious gas.
Let’s see if Aaron can use his creativity to tell us what he wants. Can we get No. 12 some construction paper, a couple issues of Sports Illustrated, child-proof scissors, and nontoxic glue? Do NOT give him glitter though. That shit gets everywhere.
These are pretty popular. However, you have to know the outcome so the proper color comes out of whatever you blow up. Maybe his agent can surprise him with an exploding black-and-silver golf ball at the next Pro-Am. I don’t know. Just spitballing here.
This isn’t brain surgery. It doesn’t require this much energy. Stop talking about it and waiting for an omen from god. Tell your agent, inform Green Bay, and go the fuck away until a deal is made. What, is he going to win a title with the Jets or Raiders? At least Tom Brady’s late-career crisis actually produced a title.
