This might have been the worst year ever for Super Bowl commercials

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The dirty little secret about Super Bowl ads is viewers can watch them before the Big Game, with companies (presumably) wanting to stretch the impact of their most expensive spots of the year. Why anyone would seek out commercials before they’re forced to watch them, I have no idea, but, uh, yeah, ideally these beer, candy, and Dunkin Donuts ads were met with fresh eyes Sunday because they’re not good enough to sneak preview.

Honestly, most of the ads were trash, so I just handed out made-up awards.

Bud Light’s beer genie on its own had comedic potential, but then the ad just devolved into an array of cameos, headlined by Peyton Manning and Post Malone. Funny how no one wished for a beer that doesn’t taste like fermented gym socks.

Good thing UberEats prescreened their cameo-laden “You have to forget something to remember something” ad because people with peanut allergies got so pissed the company dropped the peanut butter guy bit. The uncut commercial is above. The internet is undefeated at getting huffy over nonsense, and this is why people hate the “Woke” label. Fictionalized allergic reactions are funny, that actor was wearing fake hives, and the only good outcome is that Uber Eats paid Jennifer Aniston, David Schwimmer, and David and Victoria Beckham a boatload of cash for people to only remember the hive part.

Whoever over at Nerds decided to make their Super Bowl ad debut a remake of Flashdance’s “What a Feeling” music video with a giant gummy pouring Nerds all over itself needs to be fired. Not only is that reference extremely dated, it’s also been done no less than 35,000 times.

I, too, want April Ludgate and Ron Swanson reunited, but Mountain Dew could’ve saved some money and let Aubrey Plaza carry the spot. The lone redeeming factor of this spot is it wasn’t the Scrubs guys singing a T-Mobile duet.

Hellman’s recruited Kate McKinnon to make a meme out of a cat in Mayo Cat, and among the most unsettling bits were McKinnon eating mayo with a spoon, and Pete Davidson’s dalliance with bestiality. Self-deprecating humor is only funny for so long until it starts to feel like a cry for compliments.

This is Google’s to lose every year, and while I think they weren’t trying to exploit a disability, it kind of felt like it. So in light of that, let’s pivot to Budweiser’s use of The Band’s “The Weight.”

It’s not like it was good, but these ads never are.

This is Google’s to lose every year, and while I think they weren’t trying to exploit a disability, it kind of felt like it. The variety of couples — gay, straight, trans (with a cop) — feels misleading for the people who like a religion that lets them insult portions of the population they don’t understand.

My vote goes to Deadpool 3 because Marvel is desperately in need of a disruptor. (And, yes, this slide was an excuse to show a trailer you would’ve had to Google.)

Did we need an origin story for the Wicked Witch of the West? Some villains need only be evil and that’s it. Dishonorable mention: Knuckles

I guess Sonic the Hedgehog can still move units, but I don’t think it warrants Super Bowl ad money.

Making fun of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s accent is never not funny, and the Twins reference with Danny DeVito plays, as well. State Farm has a pretty good grasp on how to use their cameos, which I guess is the only way to advertise now.

If this is what Christopher Walken’s life consists of — which I expect it is — shoot me now.

Ben Affleck channeled Chuckie Sullivan for an overtly pro-Boston spot as the rap group The Dunkings, with Tom Brady on the 1’s and 2’s, and an apprehensive Matt Damon doing his buddy a favor. “You know when I said I’d do anything for you, this is anything.” Shout out to J-Lo and Fat Joe for letting the pinstripes affect this judgment.

The Robert Kennedy PAC repurposed JFK’s presidential ad for reasons that are unclear. They’d be better off burning that pile of cash for heat. Hey, at least that money wasn’t used to further Robert’s insanely dangerous stance on vaccines.

Runner up: South Dakota, what are you doing?

Not going to lie, Anthony Hopkins channeling his inner dragon was great even if I’m not sure what the ad was selling. Was it for Ryan Reynolds’ Wrexham team/show, or cold brew? Who cares? Hopkins yelling roar was fun.

There are not a lot of ways to make skincare funny, but CeraVe found a way with Michael Cera. It’s a little cheap, a little reminiscent of other “Bad Pitch Man” commercials, but it’s better than Dove’s weird “empower girls by showing them failing” approach.

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