The Eagles must be a tool of the devil

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You don’t need me to tell you that the Philadelphia Eagles, and really anything from the city of Philadelphia as a whole, are evil. The loudest guy in your office? Almost certainly from Philly, or Delaware at best. That girl you know who has a habit of puking on your shoes? Grew up on the SEPTA, where she honed her vomiting skills. You haven’t known true misery until you’ve smelled a Flyers fan in the sun.

And yet, we can get behind them now, can’t we?

If Brock Purdy is just the latest to take up the mantle of Jesus and Christianity as his driving force, and to let Fox News portray him as all that is holy and good, and he and his compatriots were so violently struck down Sunday afternoon in South Philly, then clearly, by Purdy’s and anyone like him’s logic, they are an army of Satan. I don’t make the rules.

And for many, the Eagles in yet another Super Bowl and the thought of them winning it is indeed horrifying. But we’ve seen all this before and are accustomed. To be too cute by half, it’s the devil we know. Wouldn’t it have been a more permanent pox on us all if the Niners, on their third QB, had made the Super Bowl, possibly won it, and launched 1,000 ships of narratives about how the QB position was now overrated? How many GMs would have had their brains turned to stew and merely opted for a game manager again? Remember that torture? Did your team come under its grip? I sat through enough Kyle Orton debates to know that particular punishment all too well. So really, between Jesus and the Morningstar, who has our best interest and happiness at hand?

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And doesn’t San Francisco have enough? Most of the things that are cursing our society stemmed from the Bay Area anyway. Who truly comes from the evil place?

Besides, all the things you love in this world have at one point been attributed to the work of the devil at some point. Ever seen a devout Christian or Catholic eat Indian food? You have not. Good music, good drugs, good sex, all the work of Below. The scary truth is that perhaps it is Lucifer who truly loves us, and just suffers from the greater marketing budget of the Above. And if occasionally he asks us to put up with the Eagles in the Super Bowl, I can trade that for microdosing and a Kolsch.

We all win on this count

Whichever deity you decide to follow, we are all joined together by the relief that we will not have to listen to Tony Romo again until next September. That’s eight months of freedom. Valhalla is real, boys and girls.

Romo was at his Jerry-Lewis-being-poked-with-scorpions best on Sunday, telling us absolutely nothing about what was going on on the field or why a play happened but making sure he made every noise under the sun. After one Ja’Marr Chase catch to set up the Bengals with 1st and goal, Romo attempted no less than four sentences, none of which he actually completed. “Here you go Jim…he runs a….they call this….he goes deep….the safety…(I think something about highpoint?)…what a catch! Big play Jim! $17 million, please.”

I’ve always found it curious why it was such a big deal who your top analyst is, especially after CBS ran Phil Simms and his Mattel baby’s-first-telestrator level of insight into the game. Football games will always be the highest rated, so why not save some money and just get any guy who’s actually good at the job? Amazon probably had the right idea in just opting for Kirk Heirbstreit, who has some name value but mostly just tells me what he sees (though with varying levels of interest). People don’t tune in to hear Romo mouth-queef for three hours, though I doubt they tune out either. What exactly is CBS getting out of this? I know we’re all getting closer to an aneurysm listening to him.

Look at this loser shit:

Oh sure, they changed it to Chiefs colors later, but the damage was already done. I always suspected New Yorkers derided football as something that just happens in New Jersey until either the Jets or Giants make the Super Bowl (ha, Jets in a Super Bowl. That was a sentence I wrote). Now we know.

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